Dr. Oz Must’ve Borrowed His Pal Bobby’s Brain Worms

I’ve been so busy lampooning the highly lampoonable RFK Jr., our Laughably Awful Health and Human Services director, I confess to not paying much attention to his Equally Terrible Sidekick, Dr. Mehmet Oz, Trump’s pick to run Medicare and Medicaid. One imagines Trump, who often confuses real and fictional characters, recruited him only after being told “Nurse Ratched” wasn’t a real person. (“But she seemed so nice…”)

Many of us remember Dr. Oz, a heart surgeon who wore blue scrubs for his frequent guest spots on “Oprah,” as a popular, high-energy talk show guest. Would he do a full Oprah? (“YOU get a heart valve replacement!! And YOU get a heart valve replacement!”…) It seemed possible.

Since his appointment by President Donald Jonorrhea Trump, Dr. Oz has been content to mostly hum along in the background but not this week! This week, the man who memorably showed us what our omentums look like IRL (honestly, kinda gross) appeared on Fox Business News to tell poor families and those dealing with serious, long-term medical issues and who are anxious about upcoming cuts in Medicaid and Medicare: “Don’t eat carrot cake.”

Weirdly, he also presented a carrot cake to host Fox host Stuart Varney while saying it was the healthiest thing he could find. Dr. Oz told Varney he’d like to call it a “a MAHA medi-cake” (Try ordering THAT at Costco for your kid’s next birthday; he’ll be soooo excited). He then babbled on like Bobby Kennedy with a brain full of fresh worms about how it actually wasn’t healthy so Varney probably shouldn’t eat it even though it was intended to celebrate the 60^th anniversary of the Medicare Trump hopes to upend.

There’s so much weirdness to unpack here, am I right? First of all: Who brings a cake to someone, implies it’s healthy then says it’s not and you really better not eat it because it’s terrible for you?

Hey, quick question: Does anyone remember when the Republican party, of which Dr. Oz is a member, went out of their damn minds when Michelle Obama planted a vegetable garden at the White House? Once again, when it comes to Republicans, “What is good for thee is not good for me.” The rest of that oft-used quote is often deleted but I believe it goes something like this: “because I am a morally bankrupt hypocritical piece of shit.”

Dr. Oz seems to be saying it’s our patriotic duty to stay healthy. Not sure where accidents fit in this scenario. Perhaps our last words as we lay gasping by the side of the road will be “Fuck! I shoulda had the carrot cake.”

Hey, poor and lame…We’re tryna run a country over here if it’s OK with y’all. Could you just, like, DIE already?

Dr. Oz spewed all sorts of dumbassery during his carrot cake closeup on Fox. It was hard to take from the man who sold “magic” coffee beans as a weight-loss drug until it was revealed as a scam to the shock of only the earnestly stupid.

Do you really want to take advice from a grifter who repeatedly advised placing a bar of soap between your sheets to prevent restless leg syndrome?

Perhaps the most galling quote from Monday’s appearance was when Dr. Oz suggested recipients of Medicaid and Medicare shouldn’t worry about impending cuts but should use this as a time to “Prove that you matter.”

“Go out there and get entry-level jobs, get into the workforce. Prove that you matter, get agency into your own life!”

You first, doc.

I mean, not all of us could make a gazillion dollars “promoting fairy dust” in the words of a medical ethicist who labeled Dr. Oz’s schemes as “kooky” and “nonsensical.”

Kooky and nonsensical is the Trump administration’s approach to healthcare. Also Draconian, unconscionable and altogether ooky. (Where my “Addams Family” fans?)

Prove that you matter?!? There’s nothing like a lecture from a guy who built his considerable fortune on debunked quack remedies telling the single mother of a sick baby to get off her ass and prove that she matters.

The Republican’s solution to cutting Medicare and Medicaid would seem to be, at its essence, “Clock in, bitch.” Oh, and don’t eat the cake in the breakroom.

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Forget carrot cake; it’s PEACH SEASON!!!! Here’s an easy cobbler to make the most of the current crop.

FRESH PEACH COBBLER

(From “Southern Living” with a coupla tweaks)

2 cups all-purpose flour

¾ cup sugar

2 tablespoons baking powder

Generous pinch kosher salt

1 and ¾ cups milk

2 sticks unsalted butter (melted in 9x13 baking dish as oven preheats)

9 cups sliced fresh peaches (about 9 large peaches)

1/3 cup brown sugar

2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice

Cinnamon and freshly grated nutmeg

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Place the baking dish containing 2 sticks butter in the oven to melt as it preheats.

Meanwhile, whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder and salt in a medium size bowl. Add milk, stirring just until dry ingredients are moistened. (Eyeball this, adding milk slowly. Sometimes you need a little more or a little less. When it looks like pancake batter, you’ve got the right consistency.)

Remove baking dish from the oven when butter is completely melted. Pour batter evenly over the melted butter. Do not stir!

Meanwhile, in a medium saucepan, bring brown sugar, peaches and lemon juice to a boil over high heat, stirring often. As soon as it starts to boil, remove from heat and pour the peach mixture over the batter in the baking dish. Do not stir! Sprinkle with cinnamon and nutmeg.

Return dish to oven and bake 45 minutes or until golden brown. The batter will puff up and obscure the fruit.

Serve warm with vanilla ice cream.