Elon/Trump: Time for the Great Creamsicle Smackdown

Also, What’s Up with Social Security?

Forget the UFC fight Trump is (seriously!) planning to host on the White House lawn next July 4^th. Let’s just put Trump and Elon in one of those kiddy trampolines with the sides on it and let ‘em have at it.

Watching two humor-impaired billionaires—one pasty, one orange so we can call it the Creamsicle Smackdown-- hissing at one another and failing to land a single punch? What could be a more fitting way to celebrate America’s 250^th birthday? (Also, I think, Mitch McConnell’s.)

Because let’s face it. America has gotten weird as fuck lately. I don’t know if it’s because we’re eating too much psyllium or what, but we’re just not ourselves. Half of us are in a cult and half of us are curled up in a ball watching old “Spongebob” episodes and binging Biscoffs. A cage fight on the grounds of the people’s house sounds just about right.

Trump is a notoriously fickle beau. First, he loves Putin, then he says Putin’s crazy and threatens to bomb his hometown. (Whew, drama much?) Same with all the other dictators/billionaires he’s flirted with. There’s always a very public falling out and poutfest/airing of grievances followed by a grudging “JK!!” and then the cycle starts all over again.

With Elon, I haven’t seen a public breakup this bad since Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie. The public fighting! The sniping! The little necklaces containing vials of each other’s blood!

What is it with billionaires, anyway? Why can’t more of them be like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett who are quietly, systematically giving away their fortunes to make a better planet for us all?

Trump, Elon and Jeff Bezos (who married a woman made entirely of polystyrene recently) are just the worst billionaires imaginable.

It should be noted both Trump and Elon own their own social media platforms, and this is why we know all the latest developments in their tortured bromance whether we want to or not.

Elon Musk has decided to hit back at Trump by forming his very own political party. As a naturalized citizen, he won’t be able to run for president on his “America” party (how much did he pay a focus group for THAT big idea, you reckon?) but says he will recruit and support candidates for Congressional seats, mostly.

And in perhaps the only moment I have ever agreed with President Donald Jinhuman Trump, the president predicted this would never work. He’s right because historically third parties tank early on. Like it or not, we’re stuck with Democrats and Republicans and the occasional Independent to represent us. Arrrgh. Where are those Biscoffs??

---

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE…

Last week, like many of you, I received an email from the Social Security Administration that appeared to be fake. The headline read: “Social Security Applauds Passage of Legislation Providing Historic Tax Relief for Seniors.”

This couldn’t be real, I thought. The SSA is reliably all business and apolitical. There’s no bragging or distortions or puffery. Any email updates are predictable notices about boring topics like how to avoid scams, privacy updates and whom to contact for information on your benefits or Medicare questions.

But this? This was next-level North Korean mind-control shit, right here, complete with quotes from shiny new SSA Commissioner Frank Bisignano, nominated by Trump and only on the job for two months following a contentious confirmation hearing and squeak-by vote.

Turns out it was real and that sound you heard throughout the land was the muffled screams of those of us who pay attention. The only phrase missing was “Dear Leader has made this possible and we should be very grateful for this peerless great man who, at the age of 8, used his mighty brawn to intercept a wayward asteroid as millions looked on and cheered.”

Let’s set aside the notion Bisignano deliberately misleads in the letter and concentrate on the mind-imploding realization the sometimes frustrating but generally well-meaning Social Security Administration is now casually distributing propaganda.

I yearn to return to the sweet, simple days when the only beef I had with Social Security was a laughably long wait time on the phone accompanied by an agonizing pan flute version of “Jolene.” Those were the days, my friend.