Interior Secretary Orders Staff to Bake Cookies (and that’s the likable part about him)

(If you prefer listening to today’s post, click the audio file below)

Interior Secretary Doug Burgum loves chocolate chip cookies. So much so that his staff, presumably laden with advanced degrees from major universities, must prepare warm cookies daily in the office kitchen. At least on one occasion, evoking the image of the beat-down assistant in “The Devil Wears Prada,” the cookies have been deemed unworthy and staff was told to toss them and try again.

Mmmmmkay. That’s a little weird but, hell, maybe Burgum thinks he actually works the front desk of the DoubleTree by Hilton. It’s an easy mistake to make.

So, yeah, I get the fondness for cookies but should the Secretary of the Interior use his taxpayer-funded staff to make them? Isn’t there a national park falling into disrepair somewhere? Or a malfunctioning roller shade in a guest bedroom? As you can tell, I’m not EXACTLY sure what the Secretary of the Interior does.

In an accidentally hilarious story in “The Atlantic” this week, we learned all about Burgum’s chocolate chip cookie obsession.

But first, who is Doug Burgum? You may recall Burgum made it to the top five when President Donald Johnetta Trump was narrowing his veep choices last year. I think that means Burgum had to participate not only in swimsuit but also the talent competition in which he may or may not have sung popular North Dakota campfire songs accompanying himself on spoons.

Sadly, Burgum, who was overly confident until the end, was edged out by J.D. (“Just a Dick”) Vance whom, it was rumored, “looked just a little better in hair extensions, press-on chrome nails and a floral tankini.”

Burgum, the former Governor of North Dakota, licked his wounds over the loss but put on a brave face and was rewarded with the Interior Secretary cabinet post apparently because Trump, a complete stranger to the outdoors, thought he looked a little like the Marlboro Man. “Burgum? Sure, he’ll do,” Trump said. “What’s for lunch?”

But back to Cookie-gate, which details possible abuse of government employees by forcing them to make slice-and-bake cookies for the boss.

Honestly, this was a lot more fun when I thought Burgum was ordering his staff to make from-scratch cookies. But slice-and-bake (or possibly, even easier, the pre-shaped drop kind that comes in an ice-cube-like tray for people who can’t even slice and bake) take a minute to prepare. Just drop on a cookie sheet and bake for 15 minutes. So easy Eric could do it, right? Not exactly a heavy lift for the staff is all I’m saying.

So, Secretary Burgum, I guess what I’m saying is, I see you. If the stress of your job can be eased by the scent of baking chocolate chip cookies wafting through your office, who am I to judge?

Or, as White House spokesperson Anna Kelly said: “Only The Atlantic could spin baking warm cookies for guests as a bad thing. Cold-hearted people! Secretary Burgum is doing an outstanding job leading the Department of the Interior.”

Is he, though?

I’m good on the cookie front…eat ‘em if you got ‘em…but Burgum is, in fact, doing a shitty job leading the Department of the Interior. His performance so far smells less like cookies and more like cow patties.

This week, ridiculously overpriced outdoor equipment retailer REI’s president and CEO Mary Beth Laughton retracted her company’s endorsement of Burgum as Interior Secretary because, turns out, he’s a dud.

Burgum’s outdoorsy bona fides, honed over a lifetime on the tough North Dakota landscape, have disappeared faster than devilled eggs at a church picnic now that he’s the face of Trump-ordered layoffs that have eviscerated the national parks system. Between the sweeping hiring freezes and layoffs, the parks can barely staff visitor’s centers and have canceled ranger programs, among others. The National Park Conservation Association said the deep staff cuts, which affect visitor safety, are “reckless and out of touch.”

Which is pretty much the perfect description of Trump’s first three months in office so, yeah, that tracks.

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OK, it’s the weekend. Let’s cheer ourselves up with some REAL chocolate chip cookies. I promise you will love these. And, no, I wouldn’t give these to Doug Burgum if he showed up at my doorstep promising to chop my couch pillows. Or whatever the hell it is he does.

AMAZING CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES

For a very long time, I could make a decent chocolate chip cookie, but I wasn’t completely happy with the results. They seemed a bit greasy, too crunchy, too thick or thin, whatever… Enter fellow Substacker Anne Byrn, better known as “The Cake Mix Doctor.” Anne’s cookies have two secrets that guarantee success: She uses two kinds of flour (bleached and unbleached), and she refrigerates the dough overnight before baking the next day. I’m not sure why this works but it does. And I’m sure Doug Burgum would love ‘em, as opposed to those preservative-laden store-bought’s his staff “bakes.”

1 cup unbleached all-purpose flour (I use King Arthur brand)

1 cup bleached all-purpose flour (I use White Lily brand)

1 teaspoon salt

¾ teaspoon baking powder

½ teaspoon baking soda

1 and ½ sticks unsalted butter (room temperature)

¾ cup dark brown sugar

½ cup granulated sugar

1 large egg

2 teaspoons vanilla

1 and ½ cups semisweet chocolate chips

½ cup chopped pecans

Place the flours, salt, baking powder and baking soda in large bowl and whisk to combine; set aside.

Place butter and sugars in a large bowl and beat with an electric mixer on low speed until creamy, 1-2 minutes. Add egg and vanilla and beat until smooth. Add the flour mixture a cup at a time, beating on low speed until all the flour has been added and the dough is smooth. Fold in the chocolate chips and nuts. Cover bowl with plastic wrap and refrigerate overnight.

When ready to bake, preheat oven to 375. Scoop dough onto ungreased baking pans, spacing cookies 2-3 inches apart. Place one pan at a time in the oven and bake until deeply golden brown but still a little soft in the center, 9-12 minutes. If desired, halfway through the cooking, open the oven door and carefully press down on the cookies with a metal spatula to slightly flatten them.

Repeat with remaining dough. Let cool on a rack until time to serve. They keep well in an airtight container for up to a week, but they are at their most AMAZING warm out of the oven. But of course.