Main Course: "Pardon" isn't always a dirty word

If you think about it, “pardon” is such a prissy word, isn’t it? Not the kind of word you’d associate with convicts found guilty of crimes against democracy. It’s more correctly aligned with words like “scofflaw” or “miscreant” instead of the modern-day “dirtbag,” “lowlife” or “Steve Bannon.” Redundant, I know.

“Pardon” is a gentle word traditionally followed by “me” while trying to wrangle your carry-on into an overhead bin as a growing trail of frownie faces wearily looks on.

“Pardon me” said Bannon, Roger “Stupidly Steampunk” Stone, Michael Flynn, Paul Manafort and Charles Kushner, the last of whom added he sure would like to be ambassador to France. (And verily, that wish will be granted!) Trumpet loves to grant pardons. The more odious the creature requesting the pardon, the better.

---

Hey y'all. I'm gonna have to start the "paid subscription" phase of this journey sometime in early 2025. If you want to give the gift of Celia, one that keeps on giving, as a Christmas gift, see this button below

---

In case you’re wondering why not Rudy Giuliani, turns out you can’t be pardoned by the president if it’s a civil case. In perhaps the most delicious sentence I’ve read all month, hell, all YEAR, “Newsweek” noted: “Mr. Giuliani will remain beholden to the two (Georgia) election workers for the rest of his life.” Hahahahahahaha! The picture of Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss telling Rudy he “missed a spot” while shining their Louboutins is basically keeping me alive at this point. (Beholden, it should be noted, is another gentle word being used in a rather savage context.)

But let’s get to the pardon everyone’s talking about…the one Ol’ Joe just gave his son Hunter. I expected stupendous amounts of hypocritical handwringing from Republicans about this—and that has certainly come to pass-- but what I was less sure of was how Dems would respond.

And now we know.

As usual, we can’t decide. It’s a hung jury on whether Joe did a bad thing. So let me break the tie: I think Joe did just fine.

Do I have a little bit of “the ick” when I see those clips of him saying he would not pardon Hunter? Yep. He definitely broke that promise but as Eric Trump might say…Oh, I’m kidding. Eric has never said anything worth listening to.

Biden isn’t wrong when he says Trump and his henchmen tried to “break Hunter” in order to get at him. It’s vintage Trump. He lives in a perpetual state of “You have licked the red off my candy and now you must die.” Trump’s constant promised revenging, particularly on enemies already “in the system” basically had Hunter bustin’ rocks for a few thousand years. And while Hunter is 100 percent a loser, he didn’t earn all that.

Look, we’re done being Charlie Brown to the Republican’s football-withholding Lucy. Who would’ve thought Biden, 108, would go out in a blaze of “Fuck around and find out.” I can’t love this enough. The best thing under the tree this year isn’t under the tree! It’s a shiny new spine for the Dems. About time.

Too many of us are having a crisis about the whole thing. And, like I said, there is an ick to it. But it is time to embrace the ick, roll around in it til it’s as comfortable as that favorite pair of granny panties you hope you will never be in a car accident in.

It’s time to figure out how to fight better next time. Because “earnest” is, sadly, like “pardon.” A word from another time altogether.

---

Something sweet … Revenge is best served cold

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. Here’s another one that fits that description. It’s old-school, the kind of dessert Joe Biden probably ate at that damn kitchen table in Scranton he’s always talking about. I like to picture Rudy asking the ladies if they’d like a little decaf with a slice. One more thing: Don’t come at me if the meringue isn’t perfectly perfect. You’re the one that probably made it on a too-humid day, just sayin’. Regardless, the filling is so good you’d crawl over a mile of broken Democratic dreams to get to it. Trust me.

SOUL SOOTHING CHOCOLATE MERINGUE PIE

1 and ½ cups sugar

4 tablespoons cocoa (Hershey’s is fine)

1 tablespoon flour

1 and ½ tablespoons cornstarch

½ teaspoon salt

3 cups milk

3 egg yolks, room temp, beaten well (reserve whites for meringue)

1 and ½ tablespoons butter

½ teaspoon vanilla

1 prebaked pie shell (I often use Pillsbury refrigerated crusts; follow directions for pudding filled pie)

Mix dry ingredients in a heavy saucepan. Whisk out any lumps. Lightly beat together milk and egg yolks then whisk slowly into dry mixture. Cook, stirring constantly with a wooden spoon or plastic whisk, over medium-low heat until thickened (about 30 minutes). It’s tiresome but you gotta do it. Remove from heat and stir in the butter and vanilla. Pour into prebaked pie shell and top with meringue (below) before finishing in oven.

MERINGUE

3 egg whites

¼ teaspoon cream of tartar (DO NOT OMIT)

½ cup sugar

Beat together until you see glossy peaks. Swirl artfully on top of cooled filling, sealing edges. Bake at 350 until peaks are browned and it looks pretty.

Second helping …

I wrote this a few years back. Call me an art critic now!

Look, I don’t want to say Hunter Biden’s artwork is terrible because I’ve got just enough redneck in me to simply not understand how a bunch of dots and splotches could cost half a million dollars.

“It’s art,” says someone who knows about these things.

“It looks like an embolism,” I respond.

Art, of course, is in the eye of the beholder and Biden, who is being roundly, and probably fairly, criticized for the lousy optics of charging a shit-ton of money to fancy people who could be paying big bucks to weasel into a meeting with Daddy has painted himself into a corner. If he sells these “works of art” to super rich “mystery buyers” as was announced last month, it just seems … skeevy.

There’s a nagging feeling no one is ever going to hang that in their home and wait for a visitor to say, “Ahhh, you have a good eye; it is a Biden.”

Hunter Biden is besieged with controversy, mostly of his own making. But he wouldn’t be the first son of a powerful person to drift off course before turning to art as therapy.

Prince Charles, for example. After famously philandering and failing at fatherhood in the early days and embittered by the realization his polo pony had a better chance of ever becoming king, Charles sought solace in painting. His art, unlike Biden’s is mostly watercolors of things you can identify like “boat on lake” and “field of flowers.” I’m guessing these resonate with the type of art collector who prefers a little less aortic valve replacement over their mantel.

It’s like Thomas Kincaide without the lighted up waterfall thing going on. Soothing, even.

Famous son George W. Bush, a Gentleman’s D of a presidency behind him, returned home to Texas where he took to painting portraits like a duck to…hot pavement. I suspect Poppy Bush must have cocked an eyebrow when he saw some of that early work.

The first time I saw W’s “art,” I admit to wondering if everyone had gone Emperor’s New Clothes on him. (“Yes, George, it’s just wonderful! Who says everyone needs a chin, after all? So edgy!”)

“Son, I’m not sure that’s Tom Hanks, looks more like Roseanne,” I imagine Poppy Bush saying while softly swirling a fine brandy in its snifter.

That said, I’m happy to report W’s artwork has improved dramatically since those early days post presidency when Laura, no doubt, must’ve said, “George, surely there’s some brush you can clear down in Crawford,” as she firmly resisted his pleas to hang his mildly harrowing portrait of her in the den.

I’m pretty sure (art) history at least will be kind to George W. Bush.

It should be noted that both W and Prince Charles donate the proceeds from the sale of their artworks to charity, which is laudable as all get out. One would hope Hunter Biden would do the same, but I don’t see that happening. Biden, like many a tortured soul before him, discovered his, er, talent while in rehab. No shame in that. The shame only kicks in when you realize he wants $240,000 for what looks suspiciously like the spin art I made at the State Fair back in the 70s.

Celebrities think they can do it all. Isn’t it enough for Miley Cyrus to be an amazing singer, songwriter and performer? Do we have to admire her new 3D artworks?

“It’s empowering!” says someone who knows about these things.

“It looks like a macaroni wall plaque you make in Vacation Bible School,” I replied. “And not the good kind where you center the plastic grapes on a spray-painted paper plate but the kind that looks like it was done by a 3-year-old who put all the macaroni up his nose and sneezed.

Don’t get any ideas, Hunter.