RFK Jr. Wants to Know Your Heart Rate…And a Whole Lot More

Health & Human Services Secretary and Certified Loon Robert F. Kennedy Jr. took a break last week from knowing absolutely none of the answers to softball questions from Congress about the operations of his own department to announce all Americans should be wearing health monitoring devices.

You first, Bobby. But you better make certain your “wearable” is waterproof because we know how you like to swim in D.C. ZOO ANIMAL FECES just for fun. Does Fitbit even have a code for “panda poop ingested”? Doubtful.

It’s ironic RFK Jr., who is determined to do away with every lifesaving medical breakthrough of the past 100 years, is suddenly Mr. Technology. Where do the leeches fit in this picture, Bobby? I was certain you were bringing those back along with “whiskey-soaked rag” for anesthesia like we’re all living inside a fuckin’ “Gunsmoke” episode.

“My vision is that every American is wearing a wearable within four years,” Kennedy said last week.

Oh, is that your vision, Bobby?

Here’s mine: That within four years you and the rest of the Trump toadies are long gone, and decent folk are back in charge. Oh, and Coke Zero is available at Taco Bell because Diet Pepsi? Are we serious right now? Hey, you have your dreams; I’ll have mine.