Smelt It Dealt It? Don't Blame Fires on Us Fish!

Catch of the Day ...

Photo by Marina Parisi on Unsplash

Hey, y’all. It’s me, Smelt, but you can call me Smelty. My friends do. Anywho, I was minding my own business up here in the chilly Pacific waters tryna avoid endangerment when, outta the blue, I get word that incoming president Donald Justine Trump says I’m essentially responsible for burning down Hollywood.

Me! Smelty Smelt! The original pacifish, if you will.

Trump mockingly described me and my smelt brethren and sisteren as “a certain little tiny fish.”

OK, so he needs to fuck all the way off is all I’m saying. We smelts are a pretty proud bunch of Osmeridae. Lookit up, Orange Foolius. We don’t take kindly to your hateful description of us on your super stupid Truth Social as “an essentially worthless fish.”

Sorry. The missus is telling me to breathe. I get kinda worked up. Sure, I’m only 3 inches long but anyone who has had me fried up crispy knows I got a lot to offer this world. Me and all the other Smeltys down here.

Look I get it. Trump likes to get his base all agitated and taking a monster dump on us smelts is perfect. Ooooh, crazy Californians giving all the water to the SMELTS when our movie stars’ homes are burning. On the other fin, I thought Trump hated Hollywood. Pick a lane, buddy.

But it’s not that simple. Allow the folks at Greenwire to explain: “Experts say this problem can’t just be solved by turning on a massive ‘faucet’ as Trump said…The demands on the system outstrip its supply and persistent drought can easily drain storage facilities.”

Biologist Peter Moyle, who has studied us smelts since the ‘70s, says: “The smelt is a scapegoat. The problem isn’t going to go away because the smelts do.”

In this case the old saying, smelt it, dealt it is definitely not the case! So back off Big Orange. You, as usual, have no idea what you’re talking about. We smelts have more intellectual curiosity and understanding of marine biology in our dorsal fin than you do in your whole empty noggin.

To put it in the simplest terms, we smelts hang out in Northern Cali and L.A. doesn’t get its water from our part of the state. Condensing California’s complex water conservation and distribution policies to “The smelts killed Hollywood” is disingenuous and stupid. But, yeah, stupid has gotten you pretty far, I have to admit. You’re sticking with the playbook, fanning the flames, facts be damned!

What’s that hon? I’m getting myself all worked up and I only got a year to live? Two at most? OK, gotta go Netflix and spawn. Peace, out.