Welcome to the Gulf of America!

President-elect Donald Jermaine Trump today announced plans to change the name of the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America.

Ever the branding wizard, Trump proclaimed the new name would have “a beautiful ring to it.”

The move should go far in comforting the millions of MAGAs who heard Trump admit last month he couldn’t actually make grocery store prices go down despite repeated campaign promises to that effect.

“Just knowing I never have to say the words Gulf of Mexico again in my lifetime makes me fine with paying more for eggs,” said one proud MAGA voter.

Trump’s handlers then circulated a list of other name changes he’s considering to help eliminate the “scourge of Mexico” that exists inside our own borders.

By executive order, Trump hopes to…

Rename the state of New Mexico “Trumplandia”

Rename Chipotle Mexican Grill “Shoney’s”

Rename the popular drink Margarita “Mar-a-lago-rita”

Rename Mexican actress Salma Hayek “Brown Ivanka”

Rename the intestinal distress frequently dubbed “Montezuma’s Revenge” to simply “Eric”

Rename the popular Mexican condiment guacamole “lumpy green stuff that costs too much.” (still workshopping that one)

Additionally, Trump plans to outlaw any traditional Mexican dances in America, appointing “the guy who played the preacher in Footloose to be in charge of that. He’s a very fine person; people have told me.”

What’s Cookin’?

What’s not to love about a healthy soup that tastes amazing and is ready in just one hour?

I spotted this one-pot wonder on Ali Stafford’s fabulous blog, Alexandra Cooks, whipped it up in no time and served it with hunks of crusty French Bread for Christmas Day lunch. I knew dinner was going to be pretty labor-intensive, so this soup, which doesn’t make you “sweat” the vegetables before adding the rest of the ingredients, was a godsend. Note: Alexandra makes it with water, but I used chicken stock because, well, I’m not vegan and it gives it a bit more flavor. You do you.

EASY, DELICIOUS LENTIL SOUP

1 and ¼ cup green lentils

12 ounces crushed tomatoes

2 large onions, chopped (about a quart)

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 bay leaf

½ cup (or a little less) white balsamic vinegar

½ cup extra virgin olive oil

1 teaspoon kosher salt, plus more to taste

Few sprigs of fresh thyme, whole

3 carrots, peeled and diced (1-2 cups)

3 celery ribs, diced (1-2 cups)

Crushed red pepper flakes to taste

Freshly cracked black pepper to taste

Throw all ingredients together in a pot. Add 1½ quarts plus one cup of water or chicken stock (7 cups total) and bring to a boil. Simmer for one hour uncovered. Taste, adjust with more salt (usually 1 teaspoon kosher salt or more). Discard the bay leaf and thyme stems. Serve with bread and lots of freshly cracked pepper. (Makes 3 quarts)