Main Dish: Trump Pardons Hannibal Lecter

Fictional mass murderer and people-eater Hannibal Lecter today announced he will be released from his fictional prison thanks to an upcoming pardon from real-life convicted felon and President Elect Donald Josephine Trump.

“I’m not real but he’s going to pardon me anyway,” Lecter told a fictional group of reporters standing the requisite 10 feet away from his cell. “Isn’t that a kick in the pants? I guess he was feeling bad about having no penalty at all imposed after being found guilty of 34 felonies.”

Asked about Lecter’s comments, Trump confirmed his decision to pardon the world’s most outspoken proponent of fava beans and Chianti.

“H-ball is right,” said Trump, absentmindedly wiping ketchupy fingers on his golf shirt. “Think about it. I was found guilty of 34 felonies! If I was a young black male that would equate to…maybe 10 life sentences? I don’t know. Many people have said more. They come to me and say, “Sir, if I commit 34 felonies can I also not have any consequences?” and I say, “No, that’s just for me.”

Technically, Trump was sentenced to “Unconditional Discharge” for his felonies, which he admitted was far preferable to the “burning discharge” experienced during his self-described “private Vietnam” in New York’s skankier clubs.

Trump admitted all the brouhaha surrounding President Carter’s funeral this week made him want to do something generous.

“So, I sat there and kept hearing how great this guy was, blah, blah, blah, and I’m wondering what about me? I’m a great guy. And then I realized when I wasn’t going to have to even pay a fine for all those felonies, I should do something nice for someone else like a payback kind of a thing.”

Trump said Hannibal Lecter, his old fictional friend, was his first and only choice.

“He’s a great guy. Really great. Really helped me on the campaign trail. When we would go to some shithole town in the middle of nowhere I’d do my Hannibal Lecter thing and they loved it! It was nuts but what are you gonna do? The people love him. Plus, I hear he’s turning vegetarian, so we don’t have to worry about all that other stuff.”

Meanwhile in Midtown Manhattan, Lecter was exiting his cell, stepping into the blinding sunlight while swarmed by a visibly skittish gaggle of reporters.

“It’s a great day to be a wealthy white man,” Lecter told them enroute to the nearest Jamba Juice. (“I’m craving the blood orange!”) But then, that’s every day, amiright?”

Times Like These Call For … Really Good Bourbon

Friends, are you getting the “dreadsies” as you contemplate the Omen Part II presidency coming up? You aren’t alone. In times like these, some of us stiffen our spines with a bit of bourbon. This easy bourbon sour is so delicious. Make sure you use real maple syrup not Mrs. Butterworth or Great Value. That stuff is fine for your kid’s Eggo, but you need the yummy depth of the real thing to make this right. Cheers!

BOTTOMS UP BOURBON SOUR

1 cup good bourbon (I prefer Basil Hayden but there are many good ones out there; do your research)

½ cup fresh-squeezed lemon juice

Scant 1/3 cup real maple syrup

Combine ingredients in a cocktail shaker filled with crushed ice. Pretend you’re Tom Cruise and shake it up real good. Strain over large ice cubes if you have ‘em, regular ice if you don’t. Makes about 3 drinks. If you’re feeling extra - pretty much a constant state for me - make it purty with a skewered orange slice and a cherry.