The morning after ...

OK, some housekeeping on this Morning After the Election. There’s something I have to say. Perhaps you already know what it is because you feel it, too. Let’s just say it together…

         Ohshit, ohshit, ohshit, ohshit, ohshit, ohshit, ohshit, ohshit, ohshit, ohshit, ohshit, ohshit, ohshit, ohshit, ohshit, ohshit, ohshit….

         You remember that scene in “Christmas Vacation” where Chevy Chase, frustrated by his failure to produce the perfect family holiday, finally snaps and kicks his beloved lawn ornament Santa and eight tiny reindeer as hard as he can, sending pieces flying all over the lawn?

         Yeah, that’s what I did to my Harris-Walz, etc. yard signs this morning. Do I feel better after beating up a crop of yard signs like some kind of sleepless lunatic? You fuckin’ betcha. As they say on Yelp, “highly recommend.”

         You see there has to be an almost outlandish display of distress at this point because what happened is just so hard to figure. As I watched battleground state after battleground state (including my own North Carolina—boo!) go red, my heart didn’t so much sink as jackhammer through the lithosphere and beyond.

         But just as Chevy Chase’s character, thwarted at every turn in his desire to produce a memorable Christmas spectacle, finally got his happy ending, I’m sure we can, too.

         You see, in all the pre-election frenzy, I forgot JOE BIDEN IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA RIGHT NOW!!!!!

 Admit it; you forgot, too, didn’t you?  We’ve been so busy getting in line behind Kamala we forgot there’s already a Dem in the White House and he needs to run free, unfettered, like Commander off the leash in a room full of juicy Secret Service agents. There’s a Dem in the White House for the next two and a half months!!!  With just a stroke of the presidential pen, the Executive Order can do all sorts of fun things that will make us feel better.

         Trump can hardly object, having enjoyed adding his sadistic serial killer scrawl to various Executive Orders during The Omen Part 1 as I like to call his first term. He loved it! No real work involved. Just sign here and declare it National Make Fun of the Handicapped Kid at Gym Class Week. For example.

         Look, I know many of us are sad today. And with good reason.  But we still have the Executive Order. Remember how the Republicans got all whiny when Obama used them to circumvent a reluctant Congress over and over? Biden can do the same thing! Because, as much as they try to make us forget it: He’s the president.

I’m sure he’ll come up with lots of Important Executive Order ideas. But until that happens, I have a few less serious ideas to get us started.

An Executive Order declaring…

Netflix can no longer binge-shame you by asking if you’re still watching something. As the late Tim Walz said: Mind your own damn business.

Any kid that repeatedly kicks the back of your seat on a flight must be safely stowed in the overhead compartment.

If you let someone into traffic and they don’t acknowledge your kindness with a quick wave and/or a smile, they must use a vanity plate that reads BAGODIX (followed by a number as there will be many of these, I suspect).

If you pay for your groceries with a check, you must be attired in a bonnet, prairie dress and high-button shoes to warn others you’re apparently a time traveler.

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Now because we’ve all been through A LOT this week, here’s my current fave pasta recipe, courtesy of Southern Living. There’s nothing as comforting as a plate of perfectly cooked pasta. This one’s easy to assemble and has a shit-ton of flavor. It takes roughly one episode of “The Beat With Ari Melber” to prepare. (6 p.m., Eastern, MSNBC). I always cook with Ari!

LEMON-PEPPER SHRIMP SCAMPI (4 servings)

1 pound spaghetti

1 and ½ pounds large raw shrimp, peeled and deveined

2 teaspoons kosher salt (divided, plus more for boiling water)

1 teaspoon pepper (divided, plus more for serving)

4 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil

6 tablespoons unsalted butter

1 large shallot, finely chopped

6 garlic cloves, thinly sliced

1 cup dry white wine

½ cup chopped fresh flat leaf parsley

2 teaspoons grated lemon zest plus 4 tablespoons lemon juice (from 2 lemons)

Grated parmesan cheese (for serving)

Lemon wedges (for serving)

Bring a big pot of salted water to a boil over high. Add spaghetti; cook about 7-8 minutes til al dente. Reserve 1 cup cooking water then drain the pasta, rinse under cold water and return to pot.

Pat shrimp dry; sprinkle with 1 teaspoon salt and ½ teaspoon of the pepper.

Heat 2 tablespoons of the olive oil in a 12-inch skillet over medium high heat. Add half the shrimp; cook, undisturbed, until browned on 1 side, about 3 minutes. Transfer shrimp to a plate. Repeat with remaining oil and shrimp.

Add 4 tablespoons of the butter to the drippings in the skillet; add shallot, garlic and remaining 1 teaspoon salt and ½ teaspoon pepper. Cook over medium-high, stirring often until shallots are just tender, about 3 minutes. Stir in wine, scraping any browned bits from bottom of pan. Cook, undisturbed, until reduced by half, 2-3 minutes. Reduce heat ato medium and add cooked shrimp and juices, parsley, lemon zest and juice, cooked spaghetti, reserved 1 cup cooking water and remaining 2 tablespoons butter. Cook over medium tossing about until sauce coats noodles evenly, about 3 minutes.

Remove from heat; top with grated cheese and more pepper. Garnish with a sprig of parsley and serve with lemon wedges.