Trump the Funeral Crasher ...

Happy 2025 y’all!

AMUSE-BOUCHE…Yeah, I know. It’s been a minute. I’m returning to you after two solid weeks of holiday-inspired cooking, cleaning and hosting…You know. All the stuff Meghan Markle claims to do in her new homekeeping series on Netflix but prolly doesn’t. I’m not hatin’—not much, anyway—but why can’t Meghan just enjoy her life as a rich (sorta) royal instead of trying to convince the world all she wants to do is stay in the kitchen churning out pots of bespoke jam in her trad wife uni all day? WHYYYYYYY????

MAIN DISH: Funeral for a Friend???

You know what they say. If you can’t say anything good about someone, pretend you did and show up at their funeral crowing about how great that former president was.

Staying on-brand as The World’s Orangest Hypocrite, Donald Josephina Trump announced this week he will be attending the state funeral of President Jimmy (“Jimmy”) Carter.

“I’ll be there. We were invited,” Trump told reporters. OK, I need more information. Also, weirdo, you don’t have to go everywhere you’re invited. You know how you go to the mailbox and there’s an “invitation” to enjoy a “free steak dinner” at a fancy local restaurant so you can learn more about investments? You don’t actually have to go.

I’m sorry but this business of being invited is a little sus given Trump’s repeated slamming of Carter’s presidency. Maybe it’s the law. You have to invite a president-elect to a dead president’s funeral. Yes. That’s gotta be it. Because it’s hard to imagine even the kindly Christian Carter clan extending a personal invite to the sack of poo that called their patriarch “the worst president in history.” Repeatedly. To be fair, the feeling was mutual. Carter termed Trump a “disaster…in human rights and taking care of people and treating people equal.”

Ouch. But also, “Amen.”

For a devout Georgia Baptist, that’s about as rough as it gets.

I hope when I exit the mortal coil I don’t look down (yes, down) and see somebody who was hateful to me IRL sitting in the pew and acting like we were besties. Ima smite their ass if I do.

I think it would be funny if, when Trump approaches the National Cathedral and emerges from his limo next Thursday, every single gargoyle would snap off, one by one, and shatter on the ground below. Ping! Ping! Ping! What? Just me?

Bottom line: Nobody wants Trump at their funeral. He will fall asleep the second he realizes it’s not about him and Melania will have to elbow him in the McRib, cobra-hissing “vake up, you eediot.”

Or something like that.

THE PERFECT FUNERAL FOOD…

In the South, we love our “funeral food.” Most of us have one dish we love to take and if we don’t show up with it, there is lots of side-eye to deal with. In my case, it’s this simple casserole which is shockingly tasty as a side for ham or a pork tenderloin or, honestly, just by itself.

This is a retro recipe found in every Southern Baptist Church cookbook you’ll ever see. You don’t want to love it because it’s from a can and has little to offer in the way of nutrition. No matter. It’s heavenly.

PINEAPPLE-CHEESE CASSEROLE (Serves 6)

2 cans pineapple tidbits, drained

2 cups sharp Cheddar, freshly grated (not bagged)

1 cup sugar

6 tablespoons all-purpose flour

1 stick butter, melted

1 and ½ cups buttery crackers (like Ritz), crushed to fine crumbs (see note below)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In large bowl, stir together pineapple and cheese. In smaller bowl, whisk sugar and flour together and add to pineapple/cheese mixture. Stir until all ingredients are thoroughly combined. Pour into an ungreased medium sized casserole dish, any shape. Top with crushed crackers and evenly drizzle melted butter over crumbs. Bake 35-40 minutes until hot and bubbly.

Note: You will need about 1 sleeve of crackers. Place them in a gallon-size storage baggie and crush with your hands until you have fine crumbs. Pour into measuring cup to make sure you’ve got 1 and ½ cups.